Been a long time since my last entry...due to an idiot that keeps looking at my page. I was married at 17 and worked two full time jobs. making a life for my wife and kids. I have lost more than most have had, but ask nothing in return. My girlfriend's ex, some fag that I only didn't want to fight because he cried like a little biotch. sorry excuse of a dad...doesn't even help take care of his kid. It's ok though, his kid has started to call me dad. Justified in the fact that his dad does NOTHING FOR HIM. This guy is a joke. he used to tell his girl that she was to loose due to having HIS kid. I find that funny because I find her tight. Probably because of the fact that he was like 6 inches on his best day, you know like when she was pissing on him. The sick fuqr sexually liked to be pissed on. but I don't mind, he makes it possible to have a great woman, due to his stupidity. aside from his lack of taking care of his kid in child support, he has taken things from her that means a lot to her,like a sword. I don't mind that she doesn't want him to lose his house, but I swear I will hire a lawyer (considering I can afford one....making in a week what that small penised little girl made in a month) we will buy another better sword. Plus we got a bunch of silverware that next week I am going to personally take to the refinery and find out what they will charge to make it into a bar... what a loser, he is in martial arts, probably to make up for what he doesn't have in penis size. I have found a porographic tape of him and Melissa recently.. I am male and was a bit intimidated by the fact that a 6 foot mans penis is suppose to be big. omg just for general knowledge, a mans penis size has nothing to do with height. anyone reading this (which is about 60 people) that want a copy, I got it on my computer and will be put on "whatthefuck.com) along with his cell phone number for any gay guys that like a feminine male. Do you know that man never got head from her because she couldn't trust him. well she gives the greatest head and you would never know she is just a "beginner". She even takes all her shots in the mouth. Oh and the anal... OMG he has no idea what he missed out on. To bad that was his own fault, the man doesn't even understand the concept of lube with anal. Recently he has stated that he is dating a lesbian couple. While Melissa is happy he has moved on, I, as a man know this must be a joke. Ether they are made up or he is merely a conversation piece for them. With his clear lack of skills and ability's, he must be an ongoing JOKE for why they are lesbians. I find this funny because he could take a dildo up the azz like a gay man. "I wonder what his mom would say to that"... We have gone to the doctors and got her tested. as it turns out she had gotten pregnant a few times... she has naturally aborted do to a gene her ex carries. the doctor has said in writing that only the OTHER partner could be the carrier of the genetics...I just hope I can give her what her pathetically puzzy man couldn't ever....a normal child without problems. I guess genetics speak louder than words...I hope he can give the next girl a child....probably not...due to the fact that no one could deal with him and he will only forget about the next like he has done this one. but I swear it is no problem...the truth is that Trenton is a great kid...and I will be happy to be introduced as dad in his future. Melissa has had to move to a lower "cost of living" part of the state because he offers her no help. Can you believe he has given her not a dime in child support. When there son needed a new mattress I was the one that has to tell her it would be ok when he simply said "I don't have the extra money", strange how he was able to afford to take out two "lesbian woman". He now calls her house screaming at her about how she "stole his son away from him". Funny how he never cared to see his son when he was just 25 minutes away. He only uses the distance to try to hurt Melissa. From now on if I'm around and he is rude to her on the phone I'll simply pull the plug, she doesn't deserve to be spoken to that way. She won't accept my money, she "wants to do it on her own". That's why it frustrates me so much. She struggles to make a life for THERE disabled son and he offers her NOTHING but grief and pain. If he cared about his son he would pay her at least something, but no. He had even threatened to throw out his disabled son's wheelchair if she "did not come take it off his property". He threw out the only ramp to the house saying it was "ugly" and that he would simply haul his son up the stairs.... taking his son's only independence out of the house. It is ok though, in the end all he will have is regret. I can only hope that someday he will see he is hurting his son rather then his intended target.

Well, here I am in SC... yay. BEEN AWHILE SINCE LAST ENTRY, TURNS OUT I GOT A LIVE JOURNAL STALKER LOL...SHH I THINK HE IS STILL STALKING. kinda sad really, i felt so bad for him, i wasn't able to even make eye contact with him. after hearing him cry that way i knew he was a bit on the vulnerable side. poor guy ... must be what i looked and sounded like when i went though that (almost the same thing) differences being that my wife was seeing people while we where still a family. At least I didn't tear a family apart just put a divider between a man that took his woman for granted. sad part is a lot of him reminds me of me and my train of thought at the time. I still shudder out of shame at some of the things I did. IM starting to think that love has been somewhat over rated. I used to believe in those hi-coos...you know.."the universe stares in ow, bowing to the blah blah something grand) implying that love moves the world. IM starting to view love almost as a pestilence...i mean come on look at the number one killer in the world heart disease, all it is a reaction to stress and high blood pressure. even smoking and drinking is a side affect of that disorder. i look at people home bound...or afraid to be touched, in one way or another it all spawns from love...maybe not a love they felt but a love/lust (in many cases the same thing) that the bad guy or girl felt. i know anger is a real emotion and since anger is only hurt manifesting its self out in an outward lashing affect i know pain exist. death is as eminent as taxes, and even the love of a child, couldn't that be marked as just selfish self preservation? we procreate for much the same reason as we make religion, to comfort us and give meaning to death ... to calm the fear we feel about the unknown. I have tried to look at love from a poets point of view...some magical force that bonds two souls together. but in reality it is most likely an act of partnership to insure not being alone and afraid? OK i just reread what I am writing.....time to stop lool.


Anyway I am looking for help someone out there might have an answer to my question.....what is love?

well been awhile, i had a fun Christmas. i havnt celebrated Christmas in about 8 years (been married to a Jehovah witness) so it was a bit uncomfortable at first. had the new girl melissa over .All went GREAT until the ex showed up with the kids......hmm....not sure what pissed her off more though, the fact Melissa was spending Christmas with my family or my 3 year old son walking upto Melissa and screaming mommy with his arms out. umm..see the ex is a red head and her eyes are blue....but they have the ability to turn red, karlene (the ex) was about dumbfounded and i quickly shut the door before her head started to spin. she called about ten min later to confirm what she heard and i wasn't in the mood so i hung up. see IM new to this "not having custody thing" and i havnt got the food chain thing down yet..... it happens to be (when it comes to the kids) IM a bit low on it. well i only had them for the weekend so i ended up taking them back to the den ....err...their mothers that is. i get there and no one is home so i sit there waiting for a bit. about 20 min later the ex's step father comes. i guess the ex's Mom has been making out with the ex's biological father and so the ex and her mother (along with my kids have been over there ALOT). well until the ex's step father banged down the door.... and see the step father might have gone to jail but see the biological father is a two time convicted child molester ... well i guess if the cops show up and find out there are kids around him then....well...you get the idea. so i go to try and "defuse" the situation and do my captain save a hoe routine that even though IM divorced, karlene (the ex's name) feels i should still maintain. all this calming down and playing mediator last for all togather (between the ex's house and now the child molesting adulator's place)about an hour, which i hate to say Melissa was present for, hiding from the madness in my car.....thank you babe so much. well it was all done and i proceeded to ask karlene if i could have the kids (like we had already discussed) when my boy and girl run to the car and rap them selfs around Melissa ...infront of karlene. well i played it off as good as i could and tried to distract the ex with questions of favors while my kids proceed to dig me a deeper grave with "the Female friend". well that went a bit better than expected i guess hugs are not all that bad of a thing.Now when Amanda and josh walked away from Melissa screaming "I love you" that i guess was a "BAD THING" WELL i don't think IM getting the kids this week. :)

well that was a pretty good Christmas compared to what the norm is.....at least no one died ... but now IM deadly sick and going to bed...............I CANT WAIT TILL NEXT CHRISTMAS

well its almost 6 am and no sleep...been like this for about a week now. took 4 Tylenol PM tonight affected me for like 10 min then i was awake again pills usually knock me for a loop. considering i never take pills....lack of sleep and stress is starting to take its toll. had my kids this weekend first time in three weeks, pore kids i don't mean to take it out on them i just have been really down and not the person i want them around rite now. lol didn't talk to ex for three week neither, its funny she wants the divorce to but if i neglect her feelings or her in any way she goes all weird on me. guess IM some type of sounding board for her feelings, usually about her new man.... truly a subject i would rather avoid. Amanda is 5 and just now starting to write and Joshua is 3 and just starting to potty train. before we broke up a had them further than where they are now...just pisses me off she don't work with them. although i get to do the fun "DID THE POTTY IN THE POTTY DANCE"

the new found Female friend is going great but is a bit difficult do to distance and finances to be with her as much as i would like. she has a beautiful son, always happy, always smiling and playing. he always seems to put a smile on my face, but i think he is still a bit Leary of me around his mother. is OK it is nice to see that they have that close of a bond it helps that she is a great mother. don't get me wrong i am a good father (well i guess that will be for Oprah to determine) but she has the patients i didn't think existed. oh yeah and she also has a really interesting off the wall ex. damn i like these pants hehehe inside joke sorry.


man i miss my business, i keep thinking this was a bad time to let the whole subcontracting thing go. hoping that the 9 to 5er thing will work for me for a bit till i can get rid of some of this stress...or my ex dies :X oops hehe ....IM NOT BITTER!!! but i figure i wont have much of a choice but to get back into carpet, just to much damn money.I figured I could start selling crack on the side to make ends meet :). Well, I guess it wouldn't be all that bad if I went to jail....nice big warm body to spoon at night, three hots, and a cot.

Georgia thing got me buggin <----my gangsta g word. not really wanting to goto Georgia for a month. last thing i need is another out let or excuse to shut down and not deal with my problems.but my sister has done more for me than anyone could possibly ever do......so ill prob go.....grrrrrr. ill be remodeling her basement in her new home so she can sell it. then she plans on moving back up to Washington.

Yay almost 7 now...yeah IM a slow typer ........... well blahs

Well, I figured for what is worth ill write in another day in this journal.

well i did do the whole Angelique (nazi-oriental) thingy... yeah nothing like hanging out with a neighbor that wont take no for an answer and her ex that wants her back so badly she lies to him about where she lives. the night started out OK i guess..but the closer her ex and her friend got (which is why we where out there hooking them up)the more she hung on me and the more annoyed i got. at one point while i was trying to catch the score of the corn huskers her friend looked at my Angelique and said "well i guess u got a man that likes sports".grrr ...i sat there wAITING for Angelique to correct the whole, "me being her man thing".not surprisingly it never came. so i sat there steaming more and more with her legs across me under the table until the breaking point came in the form of her going a bit to far, and with one fell swoop of her hand my manhood ended up in her hand. i have few quirks about me but acouple of them are that i never make a scene in a public places and i treat woman with a bit to much respect often giving them the benefit of the doubt where it isn't always due. well i think i got over all that. anyhow she kept her distance and all in all it wasnt that bad a night...i beat all of them at pool badly .... ehhhh cant win em all i guess. I was informed "My name means Angel Messenger (angelique)it is Greek" might as well edjumicate you while i bore you lol

hmmm.. well nothing much going on. recovering from yesterdays turkey day. got to hang out with family i have not seen in forever. i still feel kinda weird at the celebrating the holidays thing, guess being married to a witness for 7 years will do that to you. sister called she sold the house i turned over to her after i lost it and that sucks. i put a lot of work into that place and it just sucks to see it go. She also is talking about me going back there for a month or so to finish their basement so that there other house can sell.not sure how that is going to work out due to recent relations that have poped up :) plus I would have to be away from my two little red headed bastards.

Ack...tonight the neighbor girl wants me to go out with her because her ex is hooking up with her friend and she doesn't want to go alone.... is so wrong on so many levels feels kinda like a Jerry Springer show. though what do you want from a drug using neo-nazi oriental. in a different place in my life now i have started to date (kinda i guess) my art and poetry is starting to reemerge though my poetry is really kinda rusty but sadly is still better than how bad my art has gotten. Think ill start and venture out into the things I used to like maybe I can find the trail I seemed to vier off of 6 or so years ago.

DEC 14th is the big day ::drum roll:: ill be officially free.ive pretty much got my self into a financially safe area for her to take me for everything... hehe.. considering i don't got shit. don't think i thought it completely threw though my bills have leveled off but still left me with a bit of a pickle, well about 10k of a pickle (hehe not a pickle for a nickel ;) ). feels kinda weird worrying about that kind of money but it is also kinda nice. i am pretty excited to start over with a new life and a new frame of mind.

yeah.. i met a woman. another red head...must be a gluten for punishment. a bit scary how fast we moved though i think that affects both of us a little. just not to sure about her friends they seem a bit cynical to say the least. this week kind of sucks due to the fact she has had one hell of a week and my life is getting in the way of me being there for her ( hey looks its 4:20 ) :X hehe ... and no i don't smoke...much.

this weekend is going to drag on i can already tell.. first poem i have started is a work in progress

nameless so far

Even though seeming so hopelessly black and cold,
For him this tale of his heart must be told.

He was born to a legacy of youth and misguided lust,
Spawned from forced pleasure and the gross defilement of trust.

Fruitless lovers sharing in one future one fate,
Consumed ... By only regret and hate.

Was through these seeds of pain and deception,
That sprout forth the fruits of his conception.

he so fears the hate he attempts to hide
but under this facade the bitterness eats inside

like a child he hides his fears within his violence
knowing that his anger can never truly be silenced


still working on it....